lost..

i feel lost when i am in school now.

i dont feel as if i belong there anymore. isolated from them. what am i doing there? why is this happening to me? what did i do wrong?

i call them my friends but now, they treat me as if i dont exist any more.
is this what i have to face until i am done with form 6 next year?

everything changed ever since that incident. i lost my sister in school. and slowly, it seems like i lost my closest friends too. maybe i am being paranoid. but that is what it feels like.

i used to sit with all of you during our muet classes but now, i am pushed away to the back. i used to share with all of you about what i was facing, but now none of you are there anymore.

remember the last holidays how we spent time together? now it seems that there are oothers that you go out with while i am left out. none of you bothered to even invite me. even during recess i am left alone. instead, i can only hang out with my  bf and his friends. what happened to all of you? what did i do to earn this?

what ever i did to you, i am sorry. please come back to me. dont lave me alone anymore. i dont want to face this loneliness any longer. if you are truly my friends.. please treat me well like how you used to.

i miss all of you so much..

life goes on.

hmmm.. we've had our differences. it is not easy. what you think and what i think is different. yet, we still try to work it out.

i know it is hard to accept me and forgive me after getting hurt time and time again. but i am doing my best and i am changing who i am a little everyday.

JUST FOR YOU...

...

but all things said and done, i just want you to know that i am sorry for everything.

LOVE YOU ALWAYS...

of hurts and sweetness...

sometimes i wonder...

what does life really want from me?? will it tell me or must i continue to go with the flow?

i am sick and tired of all the hardships i've faced in life. evrytime i think back of what i went through in the past years, i just want to cry and give up.

but god wouldnt let me give up. he continued to give me the strength and support i needed. he helped me back onto my feet and said to me, "jacq, i am always with you. dont lose hope."

as time passes by, my wounds more or less heaked. yet, i cant help feeling hurt even now.

take for instance, that special someone. i love him with alll my heart and soul. if possible, i want him to be the last. but i cant help having doubts. i mean.. we've been through so much pain together. yes i do admit that it is mostly my fault. yet..

he never realised it when something he does hurts my feelings. i'm not known to say out loud how i feel. even my parents know that. i would always keep it in me. but sometimes... its just so hard.

he says that i shouldnt get emo or be sad when i dont get to see him and spend time with him. because it will affect him. so, am i suppose to bottle up these feelings in me always then? am i supposed to only show happiness? i mean, since being emo and sad is considered hurting him, then what am i to do? i dont have a choice but to always be happy so that i'll never hurt him? i dont wanna hurt him..

then there's the issue of me being demanding. hell, i may be demanding, but what about him? when i dont get something done like how he wants it, he will start being upset and 'merajuk' with me. for instance, he wanted a poem and at first he said i could give it to him on friday. then the next day in school he says that he wants it now! or he will merajuk..

i'm not a superwoman. yet because i want him to be happy, i spend my two periods of physics class, writing 4 pages of the poem. it really added some stress on me at that point. but i did it for someone i love...

yes, life is full of sweetness to with him. he takes care of me and gets me what i want to. he is always there when i need him. he is almost perfect in every sense. thats why i love him. because he loves me too.

i just wish that sometimes, he understands how i feel to. to accept me for who i am too. i do want to change so that he will be happy with me.

but i will always accept him for who he is. even if he hurts me a thousand times, i will continue to love him. my love for him would never waver even a little no matter what he does to me. after all, thats what loving some one is all about. to accept everything about the person and forgiving them even if they hurt us..

live life to the fullest! :)

so.. hey peeps!!

live life to the fullest. first up is wishing all my malay friends SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!!

next on my list is talking about my sister. haha! yesterday we were playing badminton in front of my house and this lady was walking past us.when my sister tried to return my shot, she hit the shuttle. AND IT HIT THE LADY'S HEAD BY ACCIDENT!!!! hahahaha!!! it was so funny. we apologized to the lady but we couldnt stop laughing after that. the best part was, my sister could hardly stop laughing that she ended up sitting on the road! sweat case. HAHA!!!

and then today my dearest big baby came over to my house. and we played badminton. GOODNESS! he really made me exercise. i know he's a pro but i am only an amateur! did he have to play well and make me run all over the place??? lol. not enough that he went and hit the shuttle until it hit my HEAD! OUCH!!!!

oh well.. at least i enjoyed playing it still. but it will be his first and last time playing with me. hee..

guess thats all for now.

tc and gb!!

XOXO <3

to live my life

to live my life, you've gotta be strong. if not, you might as well just give up.

it is never easy to live your life. hell, everyone has their own problems right? but what the f***ing is wrong with this world??

is it too much to want a happy ever after?
is it too much to even ask for a simple life without stress?

i often questioned god about the misgivings in my life. i mean, life wasnt ever easy on me. i think i've had more sadness and tears in my life. i even wanted to run away or commit suicide.

but then, i decided to give god a chance. i let him into my life and let him guide me. the wonders and miracles he has done for me!

i realised that god had never forsaked me. it was me that had forsaken him. i took him for granted yet he never failed to be by my side.
for that i can only thank him. for always loving me and taking care of me. for having mercy on me and forgiving my sins.

god, YOU ARE TRULY WONDERFUL AND I LOVE YOU.

yes, my life is far from perfect. even now i face problems in school, in my relationship and at home. but as long as i continue to ask for his guidance, he will help me thriough it all.

the many trials in life is set for us to test us. the more we overcome, the stronger we get. the better we become. so do not lose hope.

to someone very special to my heart,

i know you're going through a difficult time. yes it is stressful especially when you're having a major exam in just less than 3 months. but do not be sad. everyone of us who leves you are suppporting you. dont give up because we are here to help you.

have faith in yourself. talk to us when you think you cant cope anymore. we'll give you our strength so that you may carry on with this fight.

i am here always for you. dont push me aside because i wont leave you to handle this by yourself. i love you always.

most importantly, pray to god for help and guidance. he is always there for you if you'll just let him in.

take care and focus baby dear.

JIA YOU!! GAMBATE!! GOOD LUCK!! SEMOGA BERJAYA!!!

i love you. always..

xoxo. <3

happy randomness

so.. i know its been awhile since i wrote some fun stuff. so to brighten uo this blog, heres some stuff just for all of you!

1. happy merdeka to all malaysians!!!
2. happt birthday to my valentine, samantha! ur 16! god bless lots.hee!!! xP
3. my bf asked if girls get horny. sweat case!
4. i am hyper and sort off happy after having a party at my cousin/pet bros hse. it was pretty fun. met new friends.
5. life is super crazy ryte now. wish i had a double.
6. i love all of you! hee..

thats all ppl. gb always..

XOXO!!!
<3

of all the people!!!!

dont you find it frustrating when you meet your current partner's exs one by one?? i mean, how small can this world be after all?

first its a girl that cant seem to get over you. now its a girl who is way preetier and whom my parents know her parents. it gets on my nerves that they exist in this place with me. heck.. i feel damn jealous and even more unsecure. what the fucking matter is wrong?? am i going to meet all your ex one by one???

i dont know how to cope with this. i feel suffocated for some reason. lost for words.

i do a pretty good job of hiding how i really feel from you because i want our little time spent together to be a cherished memory.

but i wish that you knew me as well as i know you. then you can detect what i really feel inside when i am hiding from you.

you even still use the same email with her name on it. i might allow you to still use it. but inside of me a small person is screaming to not let  you use it.

if only you could understand how i really felt. if only you knew...

IF ONLY...