of hurts and sweetness...

sometimes i wonder...

what does life really want from me?? will it tell me or must i continue to go with the flow?

i am sick and tired of all the hardships i've faced in life. evrytime i think back of what i went through in the past years, i just want to cry and give up.

but god wouldnt let me give up. he continued to give me the strength and support i needed. he helped me back onto my feet and said to me, "jacq, i am always with you. dont lose hope."

as time passes by, my wounds more or less heaked. yet, i cant help feeling hurt even now.

take for instance, that special someone. i love him with alll my heart and soul. if possible, i want him to be the last. but i cant help having doubts. i mean.. we've been through so much pain together. yes i do admit that it is mostly my fault. yet..

he never realised it when something he does hurts my feelings. i'm not known to say out loud how i feel. even my parents know that. i would always keep it in me. but sometimes... its just so hard.

he says that i shouldnt get emo or be sad when i dont get to see him and spend time with him. because it will affect him. so, am i suppose to bottle up these feelings in me always then? am i supposed to only show happiness? i mean, since being emo and sad is considered hurting him, then what am i to do? i dont have a choice but to always be happy so that i'll never hurt him? i dont wanna hurt him..

then there's the issue of me being demanding. hell, i may be demanding, but what about him? when i dont get something done like how he wants it, he will start being upset and 'merajuk' with me. for instance, he wanted a poem and at first he said i could give it to him on friday. then the next day in school he says that he wants it now! or he will merajuk..

i'm not a superwoman. yet because i want him to be happy, i spend my two periods of physics class, writing 4 pages of the poem. it really added some stress on me at that point. but i did it for someone i love...

yes, life is full of sweetness to with him. he takes care of me and gets me what i want to. he is always there when i need him. he is almost perfect in every sense. thats why i love him. because he loves me too.

i just wish that sometimes, he understands how i feel to. to accept me for who i am too. i do want to change so that he will be happy with me.

but i will always accept him for who he is. even if he hurts me a thousand times, i will continue to love him. my love for him would never waver even a little no matter what he does to me. after all, thats what loving some one is all about. to accept everything about the person and forgiving them even if they hurt us..